Sometimes life seems so daunting, frustrating, and bleak that you just need to write about how you're feeling. I feel overwhelmed and stressed. I wish that my "life plan" would quit switching every day. I love plans, I love structure, I love knowing what my next step is. For the past several months, I haven't had a concrete plan for what my next life plan is. I wasn't excepted into occupational therapy. I was hurt, bruised, and broken by that. I was so excited for the possibility but then my heart got shattered and I was too angry to even consider trying again. There was no way, if they didn't want me on my first application, then too bad for them. So I got a summer job, kept on living life, and totally failed to even spend one second considering what would happen after summer was over. I was too busy living in the moment and naively avoiding any commitment or plan. Which, could be seen as a great thing considering I am usually the opposite. So fast forward to now, it is mid August and I am panicking because next week my summer job is over and then what?
That's just it. I have no idea. Well I mean, I have some ideas but nothing is set in stone. I was thinking of just finding full time employment in hopefully something tolerable. Little did I know, that job hunting is THE WORST THING EVER! I literally hate nothing else more. It's time consuming, daunting, and annoying. I have literally found nothing I want to do or apply for. So then I got thinking that may be I could swallow my pride and work applying for not only OT again but even PT too. All fine and dandy until I just discovered that a. I failed to take grade 12 chemistry, b. that the courses I need aren't offered in fall term, c. that OT and PT only take into consideration marks up until December 2014. So basically, that plan is not possible.
So essentially I am back to square one. I have no clue what I am going to do with my life. I hate this. I hate not knowing, I hate that people keep telling me to quit worrying & that it will all work out, I hate that I have a degree and it is literally getting me no where. This is not how I saw my life being. I just want a job that will make me happy and provide me stability, it just seems like that's too much to ask for.
Well I feel a bit better now after that vent session. I hope for clarity soon.
Friday, 1 August 2014
I distinctly remember this exact day 16 years ago. Although I was only 5 years old, it feels like it just happened yesterday. I recall camping at the Minnedosa campground, I remember my parents getting a phone call, I remember them both breaking down and sobbing like I had never seen before. Little did I know, that day would change me and my life forever. That day was when we discovered that my cousin Bradley had passed away in the wee hours of the night. Brad was hard working, kind, funny, caring, and a truly amazing cousin. I loved him so much. He loved spending time with us and always wanted to babysit us and spend time with those that he loved. He instilled in me a love for baseball, farming, the outdoors, animals, and family. He was so passionate about helping out my dad and uncles on the farm and he loved riding his horse named Buster (who is still alive today!).
I distinctly remember my last memory of him. I don't know if it was the last time I actually saw him but it's the last memory I have of him. Some family was over at our house and we were hanging outside together. Brad was playing tag with all of us, chasing us around, making us giggle (like usual). When he was chasing me, he accidentally hit me in the nose and my nose started to gush blood. Being the caring guy he was, he felt awful and he sat with me and made sure that I was okay. He was joking around with me and making me feel better. When I close my eyes, I can picture the day perfectly. I can picture the sun shining, the smile spread across my face, Brad chasing a bunch of giggling kids around the yard. I can still smell his smell and feel his warm, loving presence.
I often wonder how different life would be if he was still around. I can picture him with a wife and kids, living on a farm, and still living life to the fullest. I can picture my aunt, uncle, and cousins living a totally different life too. They are still healing from the hurt and they are still dealing with the loss of such a beautiful son and brother. Just like me and the rest of my family. I know my dad blamed himself for a long time and I know that everyone missed him so much it hurt. I am just so glad that I have these beautiful memories of him and I am so blessed that he is guiding me and loving me from up above. I am so thankful for his wonderful, thoughtful, caring, passionate soul. I will always hold on to all of the memories I have of him.
I love you Brad.