I have always struggled with my weight, self esteem, and body image. I remember being in junior high and always being uncomfortable in social situations. I always felt "too ugly" or "too fat" to participate in school or in sports because I simply wasn't good enough. I used to play softball for about 9 or 10 years but when I got in to junior high, I felt really awkward participating. I used to wear a big over-sized sweater to every game and I recall getting heat stroke at one softball tournament because I didn't want to be seen in my too tight uniform.
I was always grateful to have come from a great family who supported me and made me feel loved constantly regardless of my weight or body. However this didn't save me from extreme eating, dieting, extreme exercise habits, and also hatred of my body and self. I have never really felt "good enough" or "smart enough" but this is something I am trying to work on.
The summer after grade 8, before I went into high school, I went on a health kick and worked out everyday and ate very healthy. This helped me to drop around 40 pounds over the course of several months and I went in to high school with a pretty extreme attitude about keeping my body in tip top shape. In the summer after grade 9, I started dating my first boyfriend and this really put on extra pressure to keep off the weight and remain toned. After we broke up, 11 months later, I got even more extreme about my body and stopped eating. I went into emotional turmoil and felt that I wasn't worthy enough of eating good food. I went in to an extreme depression, lost too much weight, and really made my family and friends worry about me because my mom was afraid that I would harm myself. For several months, I simply would work out, not eat, and would barely sleep because I felt like I was in hell. After awhile I slowly worked my way out of the depression and got less extreme about my work out & eating habits. I still remained fairly fit and continued to work out, eat healthy, and play rugby.
In grade 11, I dated another guy that was introduced to me through a friend and he really emotionally abused me. He would go days without talking to me, was very closed off to me, and didn't treat me like a boyfriend should. However I was young and naive and remained with him for several months before realizing that I deserved better (this is when I met my now boyfriend). After breaking up with him, I found out that he was dating someone else the whole time I was with him and this explained why he wouldn't talk to me for so long and seemed very disconnected. Overall, it was fairly easy to move on from him because I started dating Brandon (my present boyfriend) just a couple weeks after I broke up with him.
Brandon has been the best thing that has happened to me. He constantly shows me how much he appreciates me and cherishes me. He tells me I'm beautiful, he does sweet things for me, and overall he is my best friend. Brandon has never made me feel like I need to extreme diet or exercise and tells me that I am perfect the way I am. One downfall of him making me feel so special is that I have gained back lots of the weight I lost back before Grade 9. I am not obese but everyday I look in the mirror and think that if I lost weight I would feel happier and be happier and I could be proud of my body once again. I just need to keep in mind that everything can be done in moderation. It's okay to lose weight and eat healthy but it's also okay to eat junk food, laze around, and not worry about calories in or out.
Right now, I would love to drop some pounds and tone up again... but not to prove myself to anyone or to look better for others but simply just to feel better about myself and my health. I like eating healthy and I like working out because it makes me feel healthier and more productive, so it will come with time. Lately life has been pretty hectic with university and life changes, so the weight will drop off when I have the time and dedication but for right now I vow to cherish my body and appreciate the fact that I can walk, run, dance, and move with no problem.
Life is all about appreciation, now is the time to appreciate my body and my worth.