Sunday, 16 December 2012

Needing a change...

I just needed to get some feelings/thoughts of my chest. My blog is like a personal journal for me to document my life, the high and low points. Feel free to skip past this rant below...

Lately, I feel so ungrateful and I feel a large amount of pent up anger and hurt. I'm not positive where this anger/hurt/frustration has come from but it is making me in to a person that I am not proud of. It could stem from the stress that accompanied exams, from having so many car problems, from worrying over how much money I have for Christmas presents, or just cause I need to make some changes in my life. I mean, this past Friday was supposed to be a great day for me. I planned on acing my Human Phys exam and then doing a happy dance and enjoying my almost 3 weeks off. However, this plan has not worked out this far. Friday, I heard about the mass school shooting before walking into my exam and my heart dropped. Poor innocent children and loving teachers lost their lives that day and I felt so angry and terribly heartbroken. I then wrote my exam and walked out feeling defeated because I know I hadn't done as well as I would of liked. I got home and was grumpy and angry... I just wanted to sulk and lay on my bed all night. However, Sarah cheered me up a bit and then we headed to the mall to start Christmas shopping. I was still angry, but at least I wasn't sulking. Then today, I woke up feeling awful... runny nose, coughing, sore throat, pounding head and I knew this day would be doomed. Sure enough, I took out my "anger" on people who didn't deserve it... my boyfriend, other drivers, people in the mall. I was just annoyed and I didn't enjoy Christmas shopping even though I had been looking forward to it for so long.

Now sitting here and reflecting on my actions lately, I realize that I am being ungrateful and acting miserable when it's the happiest time of the year. I need to soak in every last minute of this short break from school and enjoy the holiday season. I need to say to myself "money is just money, everything always works out". I need to quit sulking and feeling sorry for myself because life isn't perfect but my life is pretty darn great. I have an awesome family, loving boyfriend, a handful of close friends, a house to sleep in, clothes to wear, food to eat. I know many people at this time of the year really feel the hit to their bank accounts and I need to just remember that Christmas is not about large, expensive presents. It's okay to make handmade gifts or buy presents on sale. It's okay to be grumpy and have bad days, but I need to wake up and realize how great my life really is. I plan on making a bunch of changes in my life and I hope to make 2013 and much more peaceful and relaxed year. For myself and for those I am surrounded by. Change is necessary.

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